Effective Discipline Part 4: "Maintaining Self-Control"

One of the most essential and important parts of using effective discipline to manage and shape your child's behaviour is the behaviour that you yourself model for them. As Dr. Phelan suggests in "1-2-3 Magic," when we are happy with our kids we are not going to do any harm by expressing our positive feelings; however, it is when we are irritated with our kids that we can end up doing damage by expressing our negative feelings. Every parent is going to feel irritated by their children's behaviour at some point and often at many points. We need to learn how to prevent our negative feelings from controlling our words and actions, thus avoiding as much damage to our children as possible. This process is going to be different for every parent, but here are some general suggestions that our group discussed which can help:

1) SELF-AWARENESS:

Learn to know yourself and your current state at all times. Sometimes developing an internal "meter" for measuring your stress level can be helpful. Stop to ask yourself the following questions:

- What are my triggers? (ie: the things my kids do that absolutely drive me nuts!)
- Where is my patience at right now?
- What can I handle effectively right now? What can I not handle effectively right now?
- How am I feeling physically? (tired, ill, hungry, etc)
- How am I feeling mentally/emotionally? (overwhelmed, stressed, relaxed?)

One of the most important parts of developing a keen sense of self-awareness is knowing what you need and what you can give at any one time. This is going to be different for everybody - and is also going to change for us individually from day to day and sometimes even hour to hour. That is why it is so important that as parents we figure it out and learn to monitor it for ourselves. Our inability to acknowledge and address these things in ourselves greatly hinder our ability to deal effectively with our children.

Once we acknowledge a need that we have, we need to address it. This can be difficult to do as a parent (ex: "I know I need more sleep, but how do I get it when my baby is up all night every night?") . Often we have to get a little creative and learn to be very adaptive to our ever changing circumstances. Each individual's circumstances will be different. The important thing to remember is that you must take care of yourself - you are not being selfish, you are being responsible. Do what you need to do (and here it is important to make a distinction between needs and wants). It may mean sacrificing something - but you have to remember that when it effects the health, happiness, and general well-being of your family, it is for the greater good.

2) HAVE A PLAN:

Whatever method of effective discipline you choose to use - make sure you have a plan - especially to deal with your personal triggers. Don't try to "wing it." Educate yourself as a parent as much as possible with available tools and resources. Know what you are going to do when your child does something before they do it (ex: “if/when my child does this - I do that”). Having a plan can help you remain calm, composed and act appropriately because you have already pre-determined what you are going to do and how you are going to do it. This is much better for both you and your child than heading into a situation where you don't know what you're going to do and you may "loose it."

3) USE PRAYER:

Whether you use it to start the day, end the day, on-the-fly, or preferably all of the above, ask Heavenly Father for help, guidance, and direction. Remember that the only person who loves your children more than you is Him. He sent your children to you. He wants you to be successful. Use the moment to collect yourself, and then head-out when you are ready.

4) USE HUMOUR:

When you're at the point where you don’t know whether to laugh or cry - laugh! (But don’t necessarily let your kids see you do it!)

5) HAVE AN OUTLET:

Every parent (especially stay-at-home parents), need some kind of outlet outside of home and children where they can take a break to do, or participate in something they enjoy. This allows us to release stress, and come back to our families refreshed and ready. It may mean taking time to work on a hobby or interest, going out with friends for a night, or just having a friend or family member that we can call up and "vent" to, or bounce things off of once in awhile. Everybody needs something sometime. We are all different, and will have different outlets - the important thing is that we keep this need in check and balance with the needs of the rest of our family members.

6) DIFFERENTIATE YOURSELF FROM YOUR KIDS:

Sometimes we allow our emotional state to get very wrapped up in our child's behaviour. This can be very unhealthy sometimes. For example, when our child achieves something, we begin to think that we've achieved something. By contrast, when our child behaves inappropriately we feel like our child's behaviour and choices are a reflection on us and the type of people we are. This places us in a very vulnerable and stressful position, because our emotions and feelings about ourselves become dependent upon someone else's actions which we can not control. This can cause our internal "stress meter" to rise significantly whenever our child acts inappropriately, but especially in public. This in turn increases our chances of loosing our composure and not addressing the situation appropriately, potentially causing damage to our children.

It is important to realize that your children are not you - they are their own independent being (physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually). Sometimes they will make choices in-line with our desires, and sometimes they will not. Even the best and most skilled parent can not completely control their child - nor was it ever meant to be that way. Remember that even though our Father in Heaven is a perfect parent, not all of His children have turned out "perfectly."

It is also important not to judge other parents by their child's behaviour. By doing so, the next time our child is the one in the middle of an uncontrollable fit, we automatically believe that everyone else is looking at us and judging our parental inadequacies.

7) CREATE REASONABLE EXPECTATIONS:

Ideals are great, but it's important to create reasonable expectations for yourself and your child. No one is perfect. If you expect yourself or your child to be something they can not be, you will only be left feeling disappointed. Rather, try to focus on doing your best, and accept that the best you have to offer can and will change from day to day and moment to moment in relation to your circumstances. All you can do is your best in any given moment, and that's all your child can do too. Avoid comparing yourself to other parents, and your children to other children. It's simply not accurate, or fair.

When you make mistakes (and everybody does sometime) ask for forgiveness from your child, our Father in Heaven, and resolve to try and do better. Again, your child won't be perfect. They will make mistakes at some point in their life too. By asking for their forgiveness, you are modelling for them what to do when a mistake has been made. You set a powerful example for them, and teach an excellent lesson on repentance which they will need to know when dealing with their own mistakes in life.

Effective Discipline: Part 3 "Parenting a Strong Willed Child"

In "1-2-3 Magic" Dr. Phelan suggests that about 50% of kids are what he calls "immediate co-operators" and 50% are "instant testers." Strong-willed children are not only immediate testers, but persistent testers who never seem to give up! Being the parent of a strong-willed child is very demanding and often vary draining physically, emotionally, mentally, and even spiritually. The good news is that there is hope!

The first thing to understand as the parent of a strong-willed child is that you don't necessarily want to "break" them from the characteristics that can make their behaviour so difficult to deal with sometimes. This is because many of their characteristics which you might find so frustrating can actually act for tremendous good in your child's life (these include tenacity, persistence, determination, stead-fastness, etc) when expressed appropriately. Your goal as a parent is to channel these natural characteristics of your strong-willed child into avenues which will act for their benefit as opposed to their detriment.


"Parenting the Strong Willed Child" is a clinically proven 5 step program to help you achieve this end for children aged 2-6.

*If you are interested in using this program with your child please read the entire book, or take a course as offered by Parents As Teachers (go to www.growalongwithme.ca) before beginning*


THE 5 STEPS:

1) ATTENDING:

What to do:

Find 2, 10 minute practice sessions each day, where you sit down alone and uninterrupted with your child and essentially comment on their activities without issuing any directions, or asking any questions. Think of yourself as a sports-broadcaster describing a hockey game as it happens. If your child will let you, you can even begin to copy what they are doing. Try to ignore any inappropriate behaviour which they may exhibit during this time.

Rationale:

You allow the child to completely control the activity. Strong willed children need an opportunity to lead and express their independence. By not issuing any directions or questions, you leave them completely in control of the activity. Giving them your undivided attention lets them know that you are interested in what they are doing, and the play-by-play commentary essentially validates and teaches them that what they are doing is appropriate.


2) REWARDING:

What to do:

Offer praise, physical affection, and rewards (candies, toys, stickers, etc) whenever your child exhibits positive behaviour. (See post on "More 1-2-3 Magic" for more details about positive reinforcement and praise)

Rationale:

When a child receives positive feedback for doing something good, they’re more likely to do it again.


3) IGNORING:

What to do:

Use to extinguish minor negative behaviour. Begin by choosing one negative behaviour which you wish to eliminate. Once that behaviour is under-control or extinguished, begin again with another (process of systematic elimination). To start: sit down with the child & explain to them the exact behaviour which is unacceptable and that you will ignore the child (which means absolutely no eye contact, no talking, no physical contact) when they do it (unless they become dangerous or destructive, at which point you move to a time-out) .

When they respond in the way you want them to (ie: they stop the behaviour - sometimes teaching a cue to use is helpful), shower them with praise and describe to them exactly what they did right. Warning: negative behaviours initially get worse (and sometimes way worse) before they get better - be prepared!

Rationale:

When a child receives absolutely NO attention or acknowledgement for negative behaviour they are likely to discontinue it. Ignoring also forces the child to learn how to control themselves and behave appropriately.


4) ISSUING EFFECTIVE DIRECTIONS:

What to do:

Avoid vague directions like "be good," or chaining directions ex:"go pick up your toys, go to the bathroom, get your coat and boots, and then we'll go outside." Be sure that the directions you give to your child are precise, clear, simple, and short. Be sure to use language which they understand, or clarify a word which they might not understand. Get down to their level and make eye-contact when speaking to them.

Rationale:

A child can't meet an expectation they don’t understand. Never assume that your child just understands what you mean! They are constantly in a state of learning - not learnedness! Make your communication with them specific, clear, and to their level. Spell everything out for them, and be prepared to have to repeat yourself - especially when teaching something new.


5) EFFECTIVE TIME-OUTS:

For behaviours you can't ignore (if the child becomes dangerous to self or others, or destructive to property, etc) use an effective time-out (refer to "1-2-3 Magic" program for information about using time-outs effectively)


POINTS TO CONSIDER:

- A strong-willed child will need about 1 month per year of their age consistently using the program before you can expect to see changes in their behaviour (ex: a 3 year old child will need about 3 months, etc)

- For the program to be effective you must consistently use all of the steps together in conjunction with each other.

- Attending is the first step because it is the most important! You may be the most tempted to try and cut this one out (espeically after using the program for awhile), but your strong-willed child really needs that time with you and the success of the other steps really hinges upon that!

Effective Discipline: Part 2, "1-2-3 Magic" by Dr. Thomas W. Phelan

For the Moms:

This week we continued to discuss using effective discipline methods with our children. We watched and discussed parts of the DVD "1-2-3 Magic" by Dr. Thomas W. Phelan. The program consists of 2 DVD's,"1-2-3 Magic: Managing Difficult Behaviour in Children 2-12" and "More 1-2-3 Magic: Encouraging Good Behaviour, Independence and Self-Esteem." Because both DVDs are longer than the time we had available, we were able only to watch certain selections, but moms who were interested in using this discipline program with their children were encouraged to take both DVDs home so that they could watch the entirety of both, preferably with their husbands!

*If you are interested in using this program with your children, please contact Abby in order to borrow the DVDs so you can learn the entire program before you start*

The 1-2-3 Magic program comes highly recommended from local community program, Parents As Teachers to parents of children aged 2-12 who are struggling to manage the difficult behaviours that their children can sometimes exhibit. The program has proven to be very effective with a broad range of children when used correctly, and is very popular in many homes, schools, and childcare facilities. It will seem familiar to many parents, however it is a program that recommends a reaction/cost effect, mostly in the form of "time-outs" which not all parents will be comfortable with. As always, we are not suggesting that this is the one-and-only correct method of disciplining children. It is a tool in our parental "tool-box" which we can use if and when we feel it is in the best interests of our children and family, but for some children and families it may not be.

"1-2-3 Magic: Managing Difficult Behaviour in Children 2-12"

START & STOP BEHAVIOUR:

One of the first things that Dr. Phelan discusses with parents is the difference between STOP and START behaviour in children. Minor Stop Behaviour includes all of the little irritating things that we wish our children would stop doing such as:

- arguing
- screaming
- yelling
- tantrums
- rudeness
- sibling rivalry
- whining
- etc

Major stop Behaviour may include things like:

- Physical violence
- Intentional destruction of property
- Profanity
- etc

START Behaviour refers to the behaviours that we would like to see our children engage in more often. Examples of Start Behaviour include:

- doing homework
- eating at mealtimes
- obedience
- etc

In the first DVD, "1-2-3 Magic: Managing Difficult Behaviour in Children 2-12," Dr. Phelan mainly discusses methods for managing STOP behaviour, whereas the 2nd DVD, "More 1-2-3 Magic: Encouraging Good Behaviour, Independence and Self-Esteem" focuses on how to encourage START behaviour.

"COUNTING:"


To eliminate minor STOP behaviour, Dr. Phelan recommends a simple system he refers to as "counting."

Counting Minor Stop Behaviour:

When a child engages in minor stop behaviour, you the parent will ask the child to stop the inappropriate behaviour, giving only 1 simple and straight-forward explanation of why - and only if it is absolutely necessary (often, he says, it is not). If the child does not stop, you will hold up one finger to them and say in a firm, but calm voice, "That's one." You will then allow for 5 seconds to pass in silence. If the child fails to stop the behaviour, you will hold up two fingers and say, "That's two." You will then allow for an additional 5 seconds to pass in silence. If the child still does not stop the behaviour, you will hold up three fingers and say, "that's 3, take five." You will then enforce a consequence by directing the child to a designated time-out spot (for older children whom a time-out may not be appropriate for, Dr. Phelan suggests using a "Docking System" as a consequence, ie: subtracting designated amounts of the child's allowance, or minutes for an earlier bedtime, TV/Computer time, etc)

When the child has finished their time-out, Dr. Phelan recommends no explanations, lectures, talking, etc about the stop behaviour, unless it was something really unusual that the child has never done before and warrants a further explanation. Instead, he recommends starting fresh with a clean-slate. If the child engages in the behaviour again, the parent will "count" the behaviour and repeat the procedure again.

Counting Major Stop Behaviour:

If a child engages in a major stop behaviour, you the parent will skip the first 2 counts, hold up 3 fingers and say in a firm, but calm voice, "That's 3, take 15" doubling, or tripling the time of the time-out, or amount of the time-out alternative to correspond with the seriousness of the offense.

The only START behaviour that Dr. Phelan suggests using counting for is simple obedience for small tasks that will take a child under 2 minutes to complete (ex: you ask a child to brush their teeth and they refuse to comply. You proceed with the count, until they concede and obey)

*On the DVD, Dr. Phelan also has several suggestions for a number of different, counting-related scenarios such as: what to do when you're out in public, there is an audience, you're on the phone, counting multiple kids, etc. Please see the DVD for this type of specific information.*


TIME-OUTS:


As a general guideline, Dr. Phelan suggests allocating 1 minute per year of the child's life to determine an appropriate time for a time-out (ie: a 2 year old child will get 2 minutes, a 3 year old 3 minutes, etc). Using a timer is also recommended in order to keep proper track of the time-out, and to be consistent.

Going to Time-Out:

Realistically, not all children will simply go to a time-out of their own free-will. Dr. Phelan suggests that some children may need a simple physical cue, others may need to be escorted, while others may actually need to be physically removed to the time-out spot. Whatever is necessary, it is important to be gentle but firm, and remain silent.

Staying on Time-Out:

When you begin to use a time-out consequence with your children - expect that your child will try to leave the time-out spot. Most children will. Dr. Phelan recommends using methods as simple as closing the door to using baby-gates, door-knob covers, dutch-doors, or locks as a last resort - which he also proposes strict guidelines to abide by if you feel like a lock would be necessary.

We talked about the "Super Nanny" Method which we believe is more effective for creating self-discipline in the child. The method is to gently and without talking, take them back, take them back, take them back, 10/100/1000 times, etc until they get it - and most kids will eventually get it. Start the time-out only once they have learned to stay put.

*On the DVD, Dr. Phelan also has several suggestions for a number of difficult, specific time-out related scenarios such as kids that will wreck-rooms, puke pee or poo, etc. Please see the DVD for this type of specific information.*


TESTING & MANIPULATION:


Dr. Phelan informs parents that 50% of kids will be what he calls, "instant cooperators" which means once they have learned the program they will fall into line without any problems.

The other 50% of kids will be what Dr. Phelan calls "instant testers," who will push and test the new limits, often resulting in their behaviour getting worse before it will get better. Kids who are instant testers will typically use one of these six methods of testing and manipulation, or a combination:

1) Badgering
2) Temper
3) Threat
4) Martyrdom
5) Butter-Up
6) Physically acting out

*Examples of all of these are shown on the DVD*

Dr. Phelan explains that if your child has a favourite amongst the above methods that is bad - because it means it is working for them! He tells parents that they must not give in to their children's attempts to test and manipulate them. Instead, he suggests "counting" all testing and manipulation, except for buttering-up.


THE 2 BIGGEST MISTAKES MADE BY PARENTS:


Dr. Phelan suggests 2 reasons why the 1-2-3 Magic program may be ineffective: parents get too emotional, or talk too much when trying to use it. To rectify this he sets out two absolute rules for parents to follow when using the program:

1) No Talking
2) No Emotion

Dr. Phelan explains that parents must learn to control themselves when using this program in order for it to be successful. Getting too "excited" when using the count, or burying the count in "verbal garbage," or excessive talking will cause the program to fail.

He says that if parents can stick to the program, exactly as it has been laid out - they will find that they have to discipline their children less and less as problems with stop behaviour disappear, and they will have more time to enjoy their children, which is what every parent wants!


GETTING STARTED:

*The information supplied about this program on this site is very basic and incomplete. If you are interested in using this program with your children, please watch the entire length of both DVDs before beginning*

Dr. Phelan suggests beginning the program with a "kick-off" conversation with your kids. In a sit-down meeting, explain to them the basics of counting and what is coming. Don't expect them to "get it" simply from the meeting. Dr. Phelan suggests that most kids will have to experience the counting procedure in action a few times before they understand it fully. He also suggests that for most kids, it will take 1-2 weeks of using the program before seeing results.

"More 1-2-3 Magic: Encouraging Good Behaviour, Independence and Self-Esteem"

To begin, Dr. Phelan suggests that good parents exhibit 3 qualities. They are:

1) Warm
2) Demanding (have expectations for their children)
3) Encourage independence


PART 1: "6 Tactics for Encouraging Good Behaviour:"

1) Positive Reinforcement / Praise

Praise a child whenever they exhibit good behaviour (especially to begin with, or when they are just starting a specific behaviour that you want to see more of, try to praise it every time you possibly can). Tailor your praise to the child and to the behaviour (some kids need really gushy praise, some need a simple statement). Be specific - instead of making a vague statement like, "good job" try to tell them exactly what it was they did that you're proud of.

Giving a child praise and positive reinforcement for good behaviour is going to make them want to do it again! However, be wary of creating praise-dependent good behaviour. Dr. Phelan suggests that once the good behaviour has become fairly common, move to using variable intermmitent reinforcement - in other words only praise the behaviour once in awhile, and work to gradually reduce that.

One group member suggested as the child grows and matures, working to create their own intrinsic (internal) motivators for them rather than relying on external motivators (ie: praise, rewards). Asking questions that lead the child to think about feelings generated in themselves and others is one way of doing this, along with asking them questions which help them to evaulate their own efforts (ex: "How did you feel when you did this?" "What do you like about what you did?" etc)


2) Simple Requests (ie: Obedience):

This is the only start behaviour which Dr. Phelan suggests you use counting for, and only for tasks that should take the child under 2 minutes to complete as a general rule (ex: "Come to the table for supper"). Only ask one time. If the child doesn't comply, save your breath and start the count.


3) Kitchen Timer:

This is really effective in situations where time available to you is short, and you need to get your child to cooperate with you (ie: trying to get out the door to get somewhere on time).

Purchase a simple kitchen timer (one with a ticking clock and ringer when times up). Instead of nagging, or constantly reminding your child to do what they need to do, set the timer for a designated amount of time (ex: 10 minutes) and explain to them that they need to complete the task before the timer ends. Try to make a game of it, and encourage them to try and"beat the timer." Don't do anymore nagging or reminding - let the constant "tick, tick, tick" of the timer be their motivator.

Can be used for:

- dressing
- eating
- cleaning up
- etc

When the timer is up, if they haven't completed the task - give them a bonus minute and help them in the spirit of the game (especially if they've really been trying to complete the task), or if they haven't been cooperative at all, allow a natural consequence to follow if possible (ie: they didn't eat their lunch before they have to go to school = they go to school hungry, or if they don't get dressed in time for school = send them to school in their pajamas, etc).

I find that this works most effectively if it's not used all the time, but just in those circumstances where you really are in a hurry and need immediate compliance.


4) Docking System:

This works particularly well for older children whom time-outs may no longer be appropriate for.

First you need to find something that is in your control which gives you leverage over your child (ex: allowance money, computer/video game/ TV time, bedtime, etc). If you have to perform a count for an older child and make it to 3 where you need to implement a consequence, instead of trying to drag your older child off to a time-out you're simply going to dock a previously allocated amount away from whatever it is you have chosen as leverage (ex: 50 cents off of allowance, 15 minutes earlier bedtime, 15 minutes less computer time, etc).

You can also work a reward system into this where if you want to reinforce something good that they've done, or motivate them to start doing something, you will add the previously allocated amount to their leverage every time they do it.

In the case of regular chores, Dr, Phelan suggests working out a system where you give the child a designated amount of time to complete the assigned chore (ex: one week to clean your room). Let the child decide when within that week they want to do it; however, if they do not complete the chore within the designated time, you will do it and they will pay you for it (ex: weeks up, you clean the room and then dock $2 from their allowance to "pay" you for having to do their chore for them).


5) Natural Consequences:

These can be powerful teachers, but have limited applications especially for younger children who may not be able to make the connection between action and consequence if the time period is too long, or too abstract.

However, they can be very useful for older children. Examples of natural consequences include:

Refusing to eat = going hungry
Refusing to wear a coat = being cold
Not practicing a musical instrument = not being able to perform well
Refusing to get dressed = going out in pajamas

etc!


6) Charting:

Most of us have probably tried to do this at some point, many of us use it during potty-training. Make a chart appropriate to the understanding of the child (for small children use pictures / older children words and numbers) and record the child's progress in the area you want to see improvment in. For younger children stickers often work well. For older children a number system (ex: a rating of 1-5) might be more appropriate. Display the chart in an area where the child will see it often.


PART 2: "Specific Applications"

Dr. Phelan has several suggestions / examples of application for specific areas of concern for many parents including:

- Getting up and out in the morning
- Homework and Practicing
- Mealtime
- Bedtime
- Staying in Bed
- Nighttime Waking
- Cleaning Rooms
- Picking Up
- Chores
- Telling The Truth

*See DVD for examples and specific information*


PART 3: "Dictatorship to Democracy: The Family Meeting"

Dr. Phelan explains that as kids grow and mature (by about 7-8 years) it is appropriate to gradually involve them in more of the decision making process which effects them. By doing this, kids take ownership in the process of setting rules and consequences, and are often more likely to comply with them.

He suggests that each family member involved in the meeting have an opportunity to express concerns and suggest solutions for appropriate individual and family matters.


PART 4: "Ten Strategies For Building Self-Esteem"

Dr. Phelan talks blunty about the reality of building self-esteem in our children, and what we can and can not do as parents. He suggests that while we as parents have much to contribute to our child's self esteem, alot of it will depend upon factors which are simply out of our control (ex: physical appearance, peer acceptance, acceptance by the opposite sex, life experience, etc)

*See DVD for this information*

Effective Discipline: Part 1

For the Moms:

Today we talked about our responsibility as parents to discipline our children in love, and watched and discussed the DVD, "Discipline: Teaching Limits With Love" by Dr. T Berry Brazelton.

FROM THE SCRIPTURES:

We discussed the famous scripture found in Proverbs 13:24:

“He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.”

We agreed that this scripture does not need to be taken literally, but speaks to us as parents about our responsibility to discipline our children because we love them. We chose to interpret it like this:

"She that does not teach her child what is an acceptable standard for his behaviour, and how to control himself to meet that standard, hinders his spiritual, emotional, and temporal development. She who truly loves her child, knows that she must intervene to teach and correct him when appropriate."

We also mentioned checking out an article called "Love, Limits, and Latitude" from the August 2008 issue of the Ensign for more current, gospel-centered direction about discipline.

The 3 most common general mistakes made by parents when it comes to discipline are that they are either:

1) Not tough enough
2) Too tough
3) Not consistent

The best kind of discipline is that which is firm, but fair and is delivered consistently.

NOTES FROM THE DVD:


This DVD has a very gentle approach and focuses mainly on the purpose and need for discipline in children 0-3, understanding your child’s early development, methods of preventing behavioural problems, and information warning parents about the negative effects of corporal punishment (ie: spanking).

Dr. Brazelton focuses on discipline as setting limits and teaching. He explains that next to love, consistent and gentle discipline is the best gift you can give to your child.

PART 1: Routines and Limits:

Dr. Brazelton explains that the first kind of discipline a child experiences is in the form of routines which begin as soon as the child is born in the form of regular feeding and sleeping schedules.

He suggests that parents:

1) Learn their child's natural patterns
2) Create predictable schedules and comforting routines
3) Be as consistent as possible

Routines give babies and children a feeling of security and predictability.

Dr. Brazelton suggests that parents set limits for very young children that mainly center around safety concerns (ie: not climbing up on high objects, touching hot objects, etc). He explains that you can expect a child to start testing limits at about 9 months - it is a normal part of their development.

When your child begins to test a limit you have set for them, he suggests that you be firm, but gently and calmly:

1) Stop the child from continuing
2) Teach the child why they must not continue
*It is important especially in regards to very young children that parents teach and explain things to them on their level of understanding and accompany words with actions and role-playing (ex: "ouch - hot!" pull hand away). Have the child repeat back to you what you have taught them, and be prepared to have to teach the same lesson over and over again!*
3) Redirect away from the object of danger and engage them in a different object/activity


PART 2: The Terrible 2s to Preschool:

Dr. Brazelton explains that from about 18 months on, a child begins to look for ways to exercise their independence - again, it is a normal part of their healthy development.

He suggests parents:

- Create reasonable expectations for your child’s age and development
- Be clear and precise (don't just assume your child will understand what you mean)
- Avoid power struggles by allowing for natural consequences when possible
- give controlled choices
- give warnings / avoid sudden transitions between activities
- give praise and encouragement for good behaviour (it is important that praise given is honest and matches the behaviour of the child)
- redirect, or remove the child if necessary to help them regain control of themselves
- be as consistent as possible

PART 3: The Case Against Corporal Punishment:

Dr. Brazelton warns parents never resort to physical punishment, the costs are too great. He explains that one of the most important things you need to do as a parent is keep yourself under control. Your child looks to you as the model for his behaviour. If you loose your temper and strike him, he will learn to loose his temper and lash out with physical violence.

We also discussed that for any discipline program to be considered effective, it needs to do 3 things:

1) Stop negative behaviour
2) Increase good behaviour
3) Create self-discipline

While spanking and other forms of corporal punishment can yield results in terms of stopping immediate negative behaviour, it usually creates fear and resentment in the child which break down attachment bonds, and actually work against the child wanting to increase their good behaviour. Corporal punishment has also been proven through research to not be effective in the long-term, and does not create self-discipline.

We asked ourselves the following question:

"Which is the more profitable servant: the one who serves his master out of fear, or the one who serves his master out of love?"

While both will yield results - the answer of course is obvious.

We talked about how some kids will need more structure and stronger limits with accompanying consequences - however parents never have to resort to physical violence or corporal punishment to control their children. There is always a better way.

Next week, we will be discussing a tougher method called "1-2-3 Magic," a program created by Dr. Thomas W. Phelan Phd. Please arrive as on time as possible, as there will be a lot of material to cover and we will have to get started right away!

For the Tots:

The kids had a great time playing with large appliance boxes cut to make little "houses," and enjoyed a round of "Ring-Around-The-Rosie" lead by Sister Skelton. They were also treated to mini-muffins and apple slices brought by Sister Bergsma!

Raising Kids on a Budget

For the Moms:

We enjoyed hearing Nichole's testimony of motherhood and sacrifice, and recieving some tips from her frugal ways! Some of the things she presented included:

By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. (The Family: A Proclamation to the World). We discussed the role of the mother and why she needs to be in the home, how this requires great sacrifice, but how the family will be eternally blessed for their righteous decisions of how they spend their time and money.

Sister Beck said during the World Wide Leadership Training Meeting in February of this year, "We don’t have children because we have money, because we have means. We have children with faith. Just as paying tithing is a matter of faith, so is having children a matter of faith. You don’t pay tithing with money; you don’t have children with money. “Prophets, seers, and revelators who were sustained at this conference have declared that "God's commandment for His children to multiply and replenish the earth remains in force."3 President Ezra Taft Benson taught that young couples should not postpone having children and that "in the eternal perspective, children—not possessions, not position, not prestige—are our greatest jewels."4 The feeling and attitude of seeking for the Lord’s blessings under the plan, I believe, will create miracles in the lives of people."

During that same meeting Sister Lant said, "Having children is a lot of work. It’s the sacrifice that makes us who we are.”

President Hinkley has said, “You have nothing in this world more precious than your children. When you grow old, when your hair turns white and your body grows weary, when you are prone to sit in a rocker and meditate on the things of your life, nothing will be so important as the question of how your children have turned out. It will not be the money you have made. It will not be the cars you have owned. It will not be the large house in which you live. The searing question that will cross your mind again and again will be, How well have my children done?
If the answer is that they have done very well, then your happiness will be complete. If they have done less than well, then no other satisfaction can compensate for your loss.”

We discussed the Church's pamphlet "All is Safely Gathered In: Family Finances." As well, I gave each mother a copy of the Budget worksheet. I also included some tips for frugal living. There are some great websites that have lists of ways to save you and your family money.

Frugal Mom
Saving Nut (my personal favorite)
Frugal Mom Blog

Also be sure to check out the church's Provident Living Website!

For the Tots:

The kids had a great time playing in a large fort constructed from blankets and hockey nets, devouring mandarin oranges & nibbling cookies at snack time, and participated in a fun game of "What Time Is It Mr. Wolf?"

November 3 and 4th: C.O.W. Bus

Just a quick reminder that there will be no official Moms 'n Tots meeting this week, instead we are encouraging everyone to take their children for a visit to the C.O.W. bus (Classroom On Wheels) which will be in town on Monday and Tuesday. The Classroom On Wheels is a wonderful free initiative that travels around the province teaching parents different ways to introduce and enhance literacy skills in their children 0-6! Please take the opportunity to go - you won't regret it!

If you would like to go on Monday, please call The Family Center at 320-4232 to book your appointment.

If you would like to go for a visit to the bus Tuesday morning, or to a 1 hour Parent Workshop (free child care provided) in the afternoon call Parents As Teachers at 320-5983 to register.


" study and learn and become acquainted with all good books" (D&C 90:15)

October 30th: Halloween Party!

For the Moms:

Today was mostly about the kids, but there were just a couple of notes for the moms:

*Trick-or-Treating at the mall runs from 3-5pm on Friday*

*A notice from Health Canada was issued about chocolate gold coins that may be contaminated with melamine (the same chemical causing infant fatalities in China). Play it safe - if your kids get any chocolate gold coins while out trick-or-treating - just throw them out!*

For more information see: http://www.inspection.gc.ca/english/corpaffr/recarapp/2008/20081008e.shtml

*slime recipe at bottom*


For the Tots:

We had alot of spooky fun with all of our little monsters! The kids danced to Halloween music and played in the balloons, played "jump over the monster," worked on a paper Jack-O-Lantern craft with Sister Palmer, made slime with Sister Metz, experimented with dry-ice, bobbed for apples, and very bravely entered the "Haunted Ghost Room" in search of their treat-bag to take home along with a ghosty-lollipop craft from Sister Romeril! And of course we snacked on a wonderful variety of great spooky treats! Thanks so much to everyone who participated and brought treats and activities for the kids - they had a blast!!!









Slime Recipe:

Solution A - mix together:

1 1/2 cups warm water
2 cups white glue
food colouring

Solution B - mix together:

1 1/3 cups warm water
2 level tsp Borax

Pour Solution A into Solution B - do not mix! Lift out of bowl, and knead until no longer sticky.

Oct 23rd: Creating Supplemental Income From Home

For the Moms:

As mothers in Zion we have been counselled by church leaders to stay home with our children. No one can measure the impact that we have on our children's lives in our decisions to do so.

However, raising a family on a single income is becoming increasingly hard to do as the costs of living continue to escalate while the average income just can't keep pace. Therefore, many of us who want to stay at home with our children find ourselves in a position where we have to do something to make sure that our budgets stay balanced.

We discussed the following section of "The Family: A Proclamation to the World":

“By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.”

Luckily we live in a day in age where many opportunities for generating income from home are available to us. However, we discussed the importance of the following warning from President Hinkley:

“Weigh carefully that which you do. You do not need some of the extravagances that working outside the home might bring. Weigh carefully the importance of your being in the home . . .” (“To the Women of the Church,” Liahona, Nov 2003,)

Anything you do to generate income will come at some cost to your family. Be very prayerful and careful when making your decision. Try to choose an option which you are comfortable with in terms of your talents and personality, will take you away from your home and family the least, and generate the most income for the least amount of time & energy.

We discussed the following options:

1) Using Previous Training/Education to work Part-Time:

Before we had children, some of us worked in careers and professions that we are able to continue on a limited part-time basis. Pros: we use training and education which we have already obtained, sometimes we can work in a "relief" type position, where we can choose our own hours at our convenience and work when we have/want to, but also don't have to work when we can't or don't want to. Ideally, shifts can be arranged during times when our husbands can be home with our children, so that we don't need to arrange and pay for child-care arrangements outside of the family. Cons: we often do have to work outside the home, taking us away from our families.

* If you have a professional designation that needs maintaining, be very careful and prayerful before you let it lapse. You do not know if a time will come in your future when your husband may be suddenly un-employed, injured, sick, or decide on a career change that may mean a period of retraining, or an income cut. You may have to be your family's primary bread-winner at some point, and the more prepared you are to deal with that, the better it will be for your family.*


2) Running a Home-Based Business:

Pros: there are seemingly a million different choices out there in terms of different businesses which you can run from your home selling everything from clothing, to cosmetics, to Tupperware which we can suit to our interests. Most of these are branched out under larger companies, and will have everything organized and ready for you to run with. Cons: this type of work often requires particular personality types to be successful (ie: persistence, forwardness, etc), and that you will often have to appeal to your own personal social networks, which not everyone feels comfortable with (ie: mixing business with family and friends). Often to be successful an individual has to dedicate alot of time and energy into growing their business. This may keep you physically present in your home, but emotionally, mentally, and spiritually unavailable to your children if you allow yourself to become too consumed in your business activities.

3) Turning Talents and Hobbies into Income:

A few sisters in our group have done this in terms of photography and sewing. Tips include, obtaining as much training and education as possible to advance your talent so that you're really good at it! This can also help you to more efficiently produce a better product. Pros include: you have complete control over it and can often do as little or as much as you need to, when you want to. Also, because it is something that is already a talent, or hobby that you have, you are likely to really enjoy doing it. Cons include: having to advertise, (often just word of mouth is used), unpredictability of work and therefore income generated, having to turn people away if you get too busy, and adequately pricing your products to accurately compensate for the amount of time that you put into it.

4) Babysitting / Dayhome:

Pros: Your technically already doing this! Childcare is in high-demand, and if you are interested in this option you are likely not to have any trouble finding work. Also, providing childcare can create friendships and play opportunities for our children which can help to enhance their social skills. Tips: experiences with this option varied within our group from those who have had positive experience, to those who have had not-so-positive experiences. There are several different options available. If you choose to go privately, you have more control over what you do, can work under-the-table, and often set your own price. If you choose to go with a dayhome agency you are provided with substitutes if you fall ill, or need time off, and often can make more money as you are protected by the agency's rules, regulations, and fees. Other things you might be interested in are obtaining childcare certification through local agencies like the Family Center. Cons: looking after several young children can be very busy and exhausting. It sometimes feels overwhelming to be responsible for raising your own children let alone somebody elses! Often it takes time and attention away from your own children. Sometimes the personalities of the children you look after will clash with your own children creating alot of contention. If you don't have the ability to safely transport all of the children that you care for, you can be left feeling trapped at home.

5) Apartment Building Management:

If you are going to school, or do not own a home yet, this is a great option that can help with expenses and allow you to save for a home of your own. Responsibilities often include renting vacant apartments, acting as a liaison for tenant complaints and maintenance requests, collecting rent, keeping the building clean and orderly, shovelling snow in the winter and mowing grass in the summer, cleaning apartments after tenants have moved out (if they have failed to do so). Experiences with this can range from really positive to really negative. Often contributing factors are things like location of the property (is it in a high-crime, low-income area), size of the buildings and grounds (taking care of a larger building often results in a higher income earned, but also has more apartments to rent, more to clean, more complaints to deal with, etc) Pros: often little or no experience is required - you will receive "on the job training." Often you can earn enough money to equal your rent (live for free). Depending on the size and location of the building, and the efficiency of the systems you develop to take care of your responsibilities, it can be "easy-money" (ie: good money, for little time and effort). Cons: It can be stressful to rent apartments that sit vacant for too long, or to collect rent from tenants who might try to avoid you (collecting post-dated cheques is a good idea). Some tenants can leave an apartment in really bad shape, which it is then your responsibility to clean-up (can be ALOT of work). Can leave you feeling somewhat "tied-down" (can be difficult to find someone to take care of your building so that you can leave town, etc). Again, often your experience will be determined by the location of the building, the type of tenants it attracts, and the size of the building and property.

Once you own property, a few more options are available to you. We discussed the following:

1) Basement suite / Rental Property:

Pros: rent paid can help with your mortgage payment. Generally, it's fairly un-intrusive to your family, and is fairly easy money. Cons: Basement suites are technically illegal, unless they are located in an area zoned for multi-family living and comply with duplex standards (the vast majority of basement suites do not comply with these standards, although some are worse than others). Although it happens rarely due to a great need for affordable and low-income housing in our community, you could be fined by municipal or provincial authorities, if there are problems with your basement suite. You loose half your house. Collecting rent from your tenant can be stressful (especially if you are dependent upon it). It may also be stressful if you have trouble renting your suite and it sits vacant for longer than you are prepared for. Tips: Much of your experience will depend on what kind of person your tenant is - be choosey. Try to rent to someone who's values and standards are similar to your own. Become familiar with the fine print in the "Landlord and Tenants Act." Protect yourself by collecting a damage deposit, and have your tenant sign a lease. If your suite does not conform to legal standards, do your best to meet them.

*For other property rental, the information for basement suites as well as the property management information will apply*

2) Providing Room and Board to a Student:

Pros: Generally, all you need to do this is a spare bedroom, and you can charge close to, but just under what you would ask for a rental suite (thus making it a competitive option). Cons: is more intrusive, as you will have somebody (possibly a stranger) living in your home. Tips: again, you will want to be choosey. Try to find somebody who's values and standards, and maybe even personality are compatible with your family for greater success. Also, do not be afraid to make formal agreements on household duties, things like cleaning, dishes, etc.

3) Becoming a Home-Contractor / Room-Mate, or providing Respite Care To An Individual With a Developmental Disability:

Generally this type of employment involves having a person with a developmental disability move into your home and more-or-less join your family. You will need a spare bedroom, and it is nice to be able to provide the individual with their own bathroom as well. Duties and responsibilities will often be specific to the individual's needs, but will generally include: providing a safe space and environment to an individual with special needs (physically, emotionally, mentally, etc), meal preparation, assistance with that individual's particular needs (may involve personal care), helping the individual to achieve certain goals, sometimes assisting with transportation, providing emotional support, some recording / reporting monthly paperwork, obtaining training as required by the agency making the arrangement.

Pros: often, previous experience working with individuals with special needs is not required, but is helpful. Typically training is provided by the agency making the arrangement. Experience in nursing, education, psychology, or sociology is considered applicable. Income earned often depends on the level of needs the individual has, but can range from approx. $1000-$3000 / month (tax-free), plus compensation for room and board. Developing a close relationship with a person with a developmental disability can be a very rewarding experience to you and your family as well as a very positive step forward for our communities. Cons: Can be very intrusive - you are in alot of ways adding another person to your family. Can leave you feeling somewhat "tied-down," it can be difficult to get time off, or go away. The amount of training required will vary from agency to agency, but is generally mandatory, and can be scheduled at very inconvenient times. Tips: Much of your experience will be tied to the particular individual themselves (ie: what their personality, values, standards, needs, and concerns are). Be choosey. Get as much information about the individual from the agency as possible beforehand (don't be afraid to ask lots of questions). Try to find an individual who's standards, values, and personality are most compatible with your family. Be very prayerful and careful before entering into a contract. Be absolutely sure that the individual does not have any behaviours which could put your children or family at risk. Generally, finding a room-mate who participates in a full-time work, or day-program arrangement Mon-Fri is most convenient. This will leave you with your days to focus exclusively on your children. Also, finding an individual who has strong ties and a good relationship with their biological family is also ideal, as the family is then often willing to help out with the individual's needs, and provide breaks for time away, holidays, vacations, alternating weekends, etc (thus, you can avoid the complications and expense of arranging formal respite care).

*For respite care, many of the duties and responsibilities will be the same, but significantly less, as the individual will not be with you all the time. Pay of course, will also be less. Generally, arrangements will be made for alternating weekends, or for specific vacation time. If you are interested in becoming a full-time home-contractor but do not have any previous experience working with individuals with developmental disabilities, a good place to start may be in providing respite care, then you can get a good idea of what it's really going to be like without the full commitment. Also, it's important to be aware that individuals requiring formal respite care will often (but not always) have higher needs.*

4) Becoming a Foster-Parent:

In alot of ways this is very similar to option #3.


As we discovered, there are LOTS of things that we can do to earn money to help support our families - without having to abandon our hopes of being a stay-at-home mom. One of the important things to remember is that Heavenly Father wants us to be at home, to be able to spend as much time teaching, and nurturing His children as possible. As we understand our divine role as mothers, and put our faith in Him - He will help us to find a way!


“Just because you’re working at home doesn’t mean it will be easy. You still have to devote time to it, as with any job. But if you need to work, it may be possible to do it at home and thus be near your children, to love, train, and guide them during their infancy and adolescence. Many sisters further manage to avoid being away from their children by doing their work before the children get up in the morning, during nap time, while they are at school, and after they go to bed at night.
The biggest advantage to working at home is that you are there to share in your children’s excitement at new discoveries, to comfort them when they’re hurt, to be with them when they’re lonely and need to talk, to be around to answer those hard questions when they come home from school.
Thus, many mothers are both able to earn necessary and required money and to be with their children to love and teach them in the years that they are home. And it’s impossible to put a money value on a choice mother-child relationship.”

(“Making Money at Home,”Alison Craig, Ensign, March 1977)

*If you have interest in pursuing one of the particular options mentioned above, please talk to Abby, and she will be able to tell you who you can talk to for more information.*

For the Tots:


The mommies ended up having sooo much to talk about that tot-time ended up being cut a little short, but the kids had a great time enjoying lots of free-time to play together, and snacking on banana muffins and cheese-strings brought by Sis Palmer.