The first thing to understand as the parent of a strong-willed child is that you don't necessarily want to "break" them from the characteristics that can make their behaviour so difficult to deal with sometimes. This is because many of their characteristics which you might find so frustrating can actually act for tremendous good in your child's life (these include tenacity, persistence, determination, stead-fastness, etc) when expressed appropriately. Your goal as a parent is to channel these natural characteristics of your strong-willed child into avenues which will act for their benefit as opposed to their detriment.
"Parenting the Strong Willed Child" is a clinically proven 5 step program to help you achieve this end for children aged 2-6.
*If you are interested in using this program with your child please read the entire book, or take a course as offered by Parents As Teachers (go to www.growalongwithme.ca) before beginning*
THE 5 STEPS:
1) ATTENDING:
What to do:
Find 2, 10 minute practice sessions each day, where you sit down alone and uninterrupted with your child and essentially comment on their activities without issuing any directions, or asking any questions. Think of yourself as a sports-broadcaster describing a hockey game as it happens. If your child will let you, you can even begin to copy what they are doing. Try to ignore any inappropriate behaviour which they may exhibit during this time.
Rationale:
You allow the child to completely control the activity. Strong willed children need an opportunity to lead and express their independence. By not issuing any directions or questions, you leave them completely in control of the activity. Giving them your undivided attention lets them know that you are interested in what they are doing, and the play-by-play commentary essentially validates and teaches them that what they are doing is appropriate.
2) REWARDING:
What to do:
Offer praise, physical affection, and rewards (candies, toys, stickers, etc) whenever your child exhibits positive behaviour. (See post on "More 1-2-3 Magic" for more details about positive reinforcement and praise)
Rationale:
When a child receives positive feedback for doing something good, they’re more likely to do it again.
3) IGNORING:
What to do:
Use to extinguish minor negative behaviour. Begin by choosing one negative behaviour which you wish to eliminate. Once that behaviour is under-control or extinguished, begin again with another (process of systematic elimination). To start: sit down with the child & explain to them the exact behaviour which is unacceptable and that you will ignore the child (which means absolutely no eye contact, no talking, no physical contact) when they do it (unless they become dangerous or destructive, at which point you move to a time-out) .
When they respond in the way you want them to (ie: they stop the behaviour - sometimes teaching a cue to use is helpful), shower them with praise and describe to them exactly what they did right. Warning: negative behaviours initially get worse (and sometimes way worse) before they get better - be prepared!
Rationale:
When a child receives absolutely NO attention or acknowledgement for negative behaviour they are likely to discontinue it. Ignoring also forces the child to learn how to control themselves and behave appropriately.
4) ISSUING EFFECTIVE DIRECTIONS:
What to do:
Avoid vague directions like "be good," or chaining directions ex:"go pick up your toys, go to the bathroom, get your coat and boots, and then we'll go outside." Be sure that the directions you give to your child are precise, clear, simple, and short. Be sure to use language which they understand, or clarify a word which they might not understand. Get down to their level and make eye-contact when speaking to them.
Rationale:
A child can't meet an expectation they don’t understand. Never assume that your child just understands what you mean! They are constantly in a state of learning - not learnedness! Make your communication with them specific, clear, and to their level. Spell everything out for them, and be prepared to have to repeat yourself - especially when teaching something new.
5) EFFECTIVE TIME-OUTS:
For behaviours you can't ignore (if the child becomes dangerous to self or others, or destructive to property, etc) use an effective time-out (refer to "1-2-3 Magic" program for information about using time-outs effectively)
POINTS TO CONSIDER:
- A strong-willed child will need about 1 month per year of their age consistently using the program before you can expect to see changes in their behaviour (ex: a 3 year old child will need about 3 months, etc)
- For the program to be effective you must consistently use all of the steps together in conjunction with each other.
- Attending is the first step because it is the most important! You may be the most tempted to try and cut this one out (espeically after using the program for awhile), but your strong-willed child really needs that time with you and the success of the other steps really hinges upon that!
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