"Child-Proofing Your Marriage"

For the Moms:

Studies conducted on general levels of marital satisfaction during certain life-stages show that often marital satisfaction declines when children enter into a relationship, continue to decline until it’s lowest point (typically during children's adolescence), and then finally increases after children leave the home.

WHY?:

- Decrease in time, energy, and attention available to spouse (becomes even less with each additional child)
- Added stress (role fulfilment (nurturer/provider), expectations & demands of parenthood, less sleep, financial burdens, etc)
- Problems that existed in the marriage beforehand - often become exacerbated after the arrival of children.

Often couples who date for a short period of time, and have children right away after marriage can be more vulnerable to these problems


WHAT CAN WE DO ABOUT IT?

- Be aware, and be prepared! (Knowing that things will get tougher once kids enter the picture and will likely continue to get tougher as children age can help you and your spouse to prepare)
- Studies also indicate that the level of satisfaction during the early years of a couple’s marriage (first 5) help to determine the long-term satisfaction of that marriage (It's never too soon to really focus and work on our relationships with our spouses!)

1) LOVE YOUR SPOUSE MORE THAN YOUR CHILDREN:

What we mean by that is a warning not to pour and invest so much into your relationship with your children that you forget all about your husband! Remember that we are wives first and foremost and mothers 2nd. Your husband was with you before your children appeared, and you want to have a rich and fulfilling relationship with him after your children leave!

2) LEARN HOW YOUR SPOUSE FEELS LOVED (and then apply that knowledge):


“The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman discusses the concept that different people feel and express love predominately in five different ways: Quality Time, Words of Affirmation, Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.

You can avoid alot of pain, confusion, and frustration in your marriage by learning your "love language" as well as your spouse's and then applying that knowledge. Particularly once kids come into the picture you have less time and energy to devote to making your spouse feel loved - so make sure that what you do counts!


3) GUARD YOUR MARRIAGE AGAINST EMOTIONAL DISCONNECT:


We discussed the book, “The Truth About Cheating: Why Men Stray and What You Can Do To Prevent It” by M. Gary Neuman, which states that 1 in 3 men will cheat on their wives, not because of sexual desire, or physical attraction to “the other woman,” but mostly because of how that other woman makes them feel in contrast to how their wife makes them feel (emotional disconnection, specifically a sense of feeling under appreciated, and a lack of thoughtful gestures). Even if the specific temptation of adultery never comes into play - emotional disconnection is dangerous to any marriage.

Suggestions:

1) Work to make your husband feel appreciated and admired. Make him feel good about himself. Build him up and make him feel valued. Remember to say "thank-you" for working to provide for your family and follow-up with thoughtful gestures that show him that you support what he does for your family.

2) Make your husband feel like he’s “winning” in the things that he does for you and your kids. Be very careful about how you might be criticising your husband - do not make him feel like he “can’t win” with you. (Ex: you want more help around the house from your husband, so he attempts to make dinner but ends up burning it. Don't criticize his efforts, instead show your gratitude for his attempt to help you.)

3) Show interest in your husband’s work, hobbies, interests, opinions, etc even if they are reeeeeeally different from your own. If his hobby and interest is something really distasteful to you (ex: 1 sister mentioned her husband's interest in guns and her total aversion to them), do the best you can in the very least to at least not be disparaging, negative, and judgemental.

4) Acknowledge problems in your relationship without making accusations. Think specifically about the words you choose when talking with your husband, and how they will lead him to feel (ex: “I think we’re having trouble with ________” instead of “You aren’t doing ___________). Remember that making an accusation (even if it is not malicious in intention) will almost instantly put your spouse on the defensive, make them less receptive to what your actually trying to tell them, and will often be reciprocated with an accusation directed towards yourself that can spiral into a nasty argument.

5) Stay positive. Focus on the efforts your spouse has made rather than the result. The more positive reinforcement he receives for his efforts the more likely he is to repeat them, or to try harder (making it all the better for you!).


4) WORK ON ACHIEVING BETTER COMMUNICATION:

- AVOID THE DANGER OF ASSUMPTION: Discuss things like family goals (ie: being a stay-at-home mom, education, work, etc), division of labour at home, family budgets, family values, child-rearing issues, etc. Never just assume that you know how your spouse feels or thinks about something no matter how familiar with each other you become. The truth may surprise you, and your spouse will feel more included, important, and appreciated by being consulted.
- Respect one another’s feelings and opinions (even if you don’t agree with them)
- try to empathise with your spouse (put yourself in his shoes and try to understand how he’s feeling and where he’s coming from)
- Be self-aware: know what you need and what you can give
- THINK before you SPEAK. Be more proactive and less reactive (see “how to fight fairly”)
- if you have to, formally arrange an appropriate time to talk about things (especially sensitive matters). Don't unload on you husband the second he comes home from work!
- Pray - individually and together everyday
- Improve your listening skills (see “becoming a better listener”)

5) SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP:

- if you are struggling with something that you just can’t seem to get past on your own - know that there is no shame in consulting with your bishop, or bringing in a professional neutral 3rd party.
- don’t wait until things reach a crisis point (by then it may be too late). Too many couples lament after it's too late that "if they'd only known then what they know now" they would have done things differently.
- most couples who have sought professional help for struggles they've had (especially early on) say it’s the best thing that they’ve ever done for their marriage.


For the Tots:


The kids had a great time as always playing and chasing each other about! They enjoyed a marvelous snack of apple slices and mini-muffins brought by Sister Poetecker, and enjoyed experimenting and playing with home-made Gak!

Here's the recipe if you'd like to give it a try at home:

Mix Solution A:

1.5 cups warm water
2 cups standard white craft glue
food colouring

Mix Solution B:

1 1/3 cups warm water
2 tsp Borax laundry detergent

Pour Solution A into Solution B - DO NOT MIX! Lift coloured mass out of bowl and knead on hard surface until liquid is absorbed and it's no longer sticky.