Effective Discipline Part 4: "Maintaining Self-Control"

One of the most essential and important parts of using effective discipline to manage and shape your child's behaviour is the behaviour that you yourself model for them. As Dr. Phelan suggests in "1-2-3 Magic," when we are happy with our kids we are not going to do any harm by expressing our positive feelings; however, it is when we are irritated with our kids that we can end up doing damage by expressing our negative feelings. Every parent is going to feel irritated by their children's behaviour at some point and often at many points. We need to learn how to prevent our negative feelings from controlling our words and actions, thus avoiding as much damage to our children as possible. This process is going to be different for every parent, but here are some general suggestions that our group discussed which can help:

1) SELF-AWARENESS:

Learn to know yourself and your current state at all times. Sometimes developing an internal "meter" for measuring your stress level can be helpful. Stop to ask yourself the following questions:

- What are my triggers? (ie: the things my kids do that absolutely drive me nuts!)
- Where is my patience at right now?
- What can I handle effectively right now? What can I not handle effectively right now?
- How am I feeling physically? (tired, ill, hungry, etc)
- How am I feeling mentally/emotionally? (overwhelmed, stressed, relaxed?)

One of the most important parts of developing a keen sense of self-awareness is knowing what you need and what you can give at any one time. This is going to be different for everybody - and is also going to change for us individually from day to day and sometimes even hour to hour. That is why it is so important that as parents we figure it out and learn to monitor it for ourselves. Our inability to acknowledge and address these things in ourselves greatly hinder our ability to deal effectively with our children.

Once we acknowledge a need that we have, we need to address it. This can be difficult to do as a parent (ex: "I know I need more sleep, but how do I get it when my baby is up all night every night?") . Often we have to get a little creative and learn to be very adaptive to our ever changing circumstances. Each individual's circumstances will be different. The important thing to remember is that you must take care of yourself - you are not being selfish, you are being responsible. Do what you need to do (and here it is important to make a distinction between needs and wants). It may mean sacrificing something - but you have to remember that when it effects the health, happiness, and general well-being of your family, it is for the greater good.

2) HAVE A PLAN:

Whatever method of effective discipline you choose to use - make sure you have a plan - especially to deal with your personal triggers. Don't try to "wing it." Educate yourself as a parent as much as possible with available tools and resources. Know what you are going to do when your child does something before they do it (ex: “if/when my child does this - I do that”). Having a plan can help you remain calm, composed and act appropriately because you have already pre-determined what you are going to do and how you are going to do it. This is much better for both you and your child than heading into a situation where you don't know what you're going to do and you may "loose it."

3) USE PRAYER:

Whether you use it to start the day, end the day, on-the-fly, or preferably all of the above, ask Heavenly Father for help, guidance, and direction. Remember that the only person who loves your children more than you is Him. He sent your children to you. He wants you to be successful. Use the moment to collect yourself, and then head-out when you are ready.

4) USE HUMOUR:

When you're at the point where you don’t know whether to laugh or cry - laugh! (But don’t necessarily let your kids see you do it!)

5) HAVE AN OUTLET:

Every parent (especially stay-at-home parents), need some kind of outlet outside of home and children where they can take a break to do, or participate in something they enjoy. This allows us to release stress, and come back to our families refreshed and ready. It may mean taking time to work on a hobby or interest, going out with friends for a night, or just having a friend or family member that we can call up and "vent" to, or bounce things off of once in awhile. Everybody needs something sometime. We are all different, and will have different outlets - the important thing is that we keep this need in check and balance with the needs of the rest of our family members.

6) DIFFERENTIATE YOURSELF FROM YOUR KIDS:

Sometimes we allow our emotional state to get very wrapped up in our child's behaviour. This can be very unhealthy sometimes. For example, when our child achieves something, we begin to think that we've achieved something. By contrast, when our child behaves inappropriately we feel like our child's behaviour and choices are a reflection on us and the type of people we are. This places us in a very vulnerable and stressful position, because our emotions and feelings about ourselves become dependent upon someone else's actions which we can not control. This can cause our internal "stress meter" to rise significantly whenever our child acts inappropriately, but especially in public. This in turn increases our chances of loosing our composure and not addressing the situation appropriately, potentially causing damage to our children.

It is important to realize that your children are not you - they are their own independent being (physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually). Sometimes they will make choices in-line with our desires, and sometimes they will not. Even the best and most skilled parent can not completely control their child - nor was it ever meant to be that way. Remember that even though our Father in Heaven is a perfect parent, not all of His children have turned out "perfectly."

It is also important not to judge other parents by their child's behaviour. By doing so, the next time our child is the one in the middle of an uncontrollable fit, we automatically believe that everyone else is looking at us and judging our parental inadequacies.

7) CREATE REASONABLE EXPECTATIONS:

Ideals are great, but it's important to create reasonable expectations for yourself and your child. No one is perfect. If you expect yourself or your child to be something they can not be, you will only be left feeling disappointed. Rather, try to focus on doing your best, and accept that the best you have to offer can and will change from day to day and moment to moment in relation to your circumstances. All you can do is your best in any given moment, and that's all your child can do too. Avoid comparing yourself to other parents, and your children to other children. It's simply not accurate, or fair.

When you make mistakes (and everybody does sometime) ask for forgiveness from your child, our Father in Heaven, and resolve to try and do better. Again, your child won't be perfect. They will make mistakes at some point in their life too. By asking for their forgiveness, you are modelling for them what to do when a mistake has been made. You set a powerful example for them, and teach an excellent lesson on repentance which they will need to know when dealing with their own mistakes in life.

Effective Discipline: Part 3 "Parenting a Strong Willed Child"

In "1-2-3 Magic" Dr. Phelan suggests that about 50% of kids are what he calls "immediate co-operators" and 50% are "instant testers." Strong-willed children are not only immediate testers, but persistent testers who never seem to give up! Being the parent of a strong-willed child is very demanding and often vary draining physically, emotionally, mentally, and even spiritually. The good news is that there is hope!

The first thing to understand as the parent of a strong-willed child is that you don't necessarily want to "break" them from the characteristics that can make their behaviour so difficult to deal with sometimes. This is because many of their characteristics which you might find so frustrating can actually act for tremendous good in your child's life (these include tenacity, persistence, determination, stead-fastness, etc) when expressed appropriately. Your goal as a parent is to channel these natural characteristics of your strong-willed child into avenues which will act for their benefit as opposed to their detriment.


"Parenting the Strong Willed Child" is a clinically proven 5 step program to help you achieve this end for children aged 2-6.

*If you are interested in using this program with your child please read the entire book, or take a course as offered by Parents As Teachers (go to www.growalongwithme.ca) before beginning*


THE 5 STEPS:

1) ATTENDING:

What to do:

Find 2, 10 minute practice sessions each day, where you sit down alone and uninterrupted with your child and essentially comment on their activities without issuing any directions, or asking any questions. Think of yourself as a sports-broadcaster describing a hockey game as it happens. If your child will let you, you can even begin to copy what they are doing. Try to ignore any inappropriate behaviour which they may exhibit during this time.

Rationale:

You allow the child to completely control the activity. Strong willed children need an opportunity to lead and express their independence. By not issuing any directions or questions, you leave them completely in control of the activity. Giving them your undivided attention lets them know that you are interested in what they are doing, and the play-by-play commentary essentially validates and teaches them that what they are doing is appropriate.


2) REWARDING:

What to do:

Offer praise, physical affection, and rewards (candies, toys, stickers, etc) whenever your child exhibits positive behaviour. (See post on "More 1-2-3 Magic" for more details about positive reinforcement and praise)

Rationale:

When a child receives positive feedback for doing something good, they’re more likely to do it again.


3) IGNORING:

What to do:

Use to extinguish minor negative behaviour. Begin by choosing one negative behaviour which you wish to eliminate. Once that behaviour is under-control or extinguished, begin again with another (process of systematic elimination). To start: sit down with the child & explain to them the exact behaviour which is unacceptable and that you will ignore the child (which means absolutely no eye contact, no talking, no physical contact) when they do it (unless they become dangerous or destructive, at which point you move to a time-out) .

When they respond in the way you want them to (ie: they stop the behaviour - sometimes teaching a cue to use is helpful), shower them with praise and describe to them exactly what they did right. Warning: negative behaviours initially get worse (and sometimes way worse) before they get better - be prepared!

Rationale:

When a child receives absolutely NO attention or acknowledgement for negative behaviour they are likely to discontinue it. Ignoring also forces the child to learn how to control themselves and behave appropriately.


4) ISSUING EFFECTIVE DIRECTIONS:

What to do:

Avoid vague directions like "be good," or chaining directions ex:"go pick up your toys, go to the bathroom, get your coat and boots, and then we'll go outside." Be sure that the directions you give to your child are precise, clear, simple, and short. Be sure to use language which they understand, or clarify a word which they might not understand. Get down to their level and make eye-contact when speaking to them.

Rationale:

A child can't meet an expectation they don’t understand. Never assume that your child just understands what you mean! They are constantly in a state of learning - not learnedness! Make your communication with them specific, clear, and to their level. Spell everything out for them, and be prepared to have to repeat yourself - especially when teaching something new.


5) EFFECTIVE TIME-OUTS:

For behaviours you can't ignore (if the child becomes dangerous to self or others, or destructive to property, etc) use an effective time-out (refer to "1-2-3 Magic" program for information about using time-outs effectively)


POINTS TO CONSIDER:

- A strong-willed child will need about 1 month per year of their age consistently using the program before you can expect to see changes in their behaviour (ex: a 3 year old child will need about 3 months, etc)

- For the program to be effective you must consistently use all of the steps together in conjunction with each other.

- Attending is the first step because it is the most important! You may be the most tempted to try and cut this one out (espeically after using the program for awhile), but your strong-willed child really needs that time with you and the success of the other steps really hinges upon that!