This week we continued to discuss using effective discipline methods with our children. We watched and discussed parts of the DVD "1-2-3 Magic" by Dr. Thomas W. Phelan. The program consists of 2 DVD's,"1-2-3 Magic: Managing Difficult Behaviour in Children 2-12" and "More 1-2-3 Magic: Encouraging Good Behaviour, Independence and Self-Esteem." Because both DVDs are longer than the time we had available, we were able only to watch certain selections, but moms who were interested in using this discipline program with their children were encouraged to take both DVDs home so that they could watch the entirety of both, preferably with their husbands!
*If you are interested in using this program with your children, please contact Abby in order to borrow the DVDs so you can learn the entire program before you start*
The 1-2-3 Magic program comes highly recommended from local community program, Parents As Teachers to parents of children aged 2-12 who are struggling to manage the difficult behaviours that their children can sometimes exhibit. The program has proven to be very effective with a broad range of children when used correctly, and is very popular in many homes, schools, and childcare facilities. It will seem familiar to many parents, however it is a program that recommends a reaction/cost effect, mostly in the form of "time-outs" which not all parents will be comfortable with. As always, we are not suggesting that this is the one-and-only correct method of disciplining children. It is a tool in our parental "tool-box" which we can use if and when we feel it is in the best interests of our children and family, but for some children and families it may not be.
"1-2-3 Magic: Managing Difficult Behaviour in Children 2-12"
START & STOP BEHAVIOUR:
One of the first things that Dr. Phelan discusses with parents is the difference between STOP and START behaviour in children. Minor Stop Behaviour includes all of the little irritating things that we wish our children would stop doing such as:
- arguing
- screaming
- yelling
- tantrums
- rudeness
- sibling rivalry
- whining
- etc
Major stop Behaviour may include things like:
- Physical violence
- Intentional destruction of property
- Profanity
- etc
START Behaviour refers to the behaviours that we would like to see our children engage in more often. Examples of Start Behaviour include:
- doing homework
- eating at mealtimes
- obedience
- etc
In the first DVD, "1-2-3 Magic: Managing Difficult Behaviour in Children 2-12," Dr. Phelan mainly discusses methods for managing STOP behaviour, whereas the 2nd DVD, "More 1-2-3 Magic: Encouraging Good Behaviour, Independence and Self-Esteem" focuses on how to encourage START behaviour.
"COUNTING:"
To eliminate minor STOP behaviour, Dr. Phelan recommends a simple system he refers to as "counting."
Counting Minor Stop Behaviour:
When a child engages in minor stop behaviour, you the parent will ask the child to stop the inappropriate behaviour, giving only 1 simple and straight-forward explanation of why - and only if it is absolutely necessary (often, he says, it is not). If the child does not stop, you will hold up one finger to them and say in a firm, but calm voice, "That's one." You will then allow for 5 seconds to pass in silence. If the child fails to stop the behaviour, you will hold up two fingers and say, "That's two." You will then allow for an additional 5 seconds to pass in silence. If the child still does not stop the behaviour, you will hold up three fingers and say, "that's 3, take five." You will then enforce a consequence by directing the child to a designated time-out spot (for older children whom a time-out may not be appropriate for, Dr. Phelan suggests using a "Docking System" as a consequence, ie: subtracting designated amounts of the child's allowance, or minutes for an earlier bedtime, TV/Computer time, etc)
When the child has finished their time-out, Dr. Phelan recommends no explanations, lectures, talking, etc about the stop behaviour, unless it was something really unusual that the child has never done before and warrants a further explanation. Instead, he recommends starting fresh with a clean-slate. If the child engages in the behaviour again, the parent will "count" the behaviour and repeat the procedure again.
Counting Major Stop Behaviour:
If a child engages in a major stop behaviour, you the parent will skip the first 2 counts, hold up 3 fingers and say in a firm, but calm voice, "That's 3, take 15" doubling, or tripling the time of the time-out, or amount of the time-out alternative to correspond with the seriousness of the offense.
The only START behaviour that Dr. Phelan suggests using counting for is simple obedience for small tasks that will take a child under 2 minutes to complete (ex: you ask a child to brush their teeth and they refuse to comply. You proceed with the count, until they concede and obey)
*On the DVD, Dr. Phelan also has several suggestions for a number of different, counting-related scenarios such as: what to do when you're out in public, there is an audience, you're on the phone, counting multiple kids, etc. Please see the DVD for this type of specific information.*
TIME-OUTS:
As a general guideline, Dr. Phelan suggests allocating 1 minute per year of the child's life to determine an appropriate time for a time-out (ie: a 2 year old child will get 2 minutes, a 3 year old 3 minutes, etc). Using a timer is also recommended in order to keep proper track of the time-out, and to be consistent.
Going to Time-Out:
Realistically, not all children will simply go to a time-out of their own free-will. Dr. Phelan suggests that some children may need a simple physical cue, others may need to be escorted, while others may actually need to be physically removed to the time-out spot. Whatever is necessary, it is important to be gentle but firm, and remain silent.
Staying on Time-Out:
When you begin to use a time-out consequence with your children - expect that your child will try to leave the time-out spot. Most children will. Dr. Phelan recommends using methods as simple as closing the door to using baby-gates, door-knob covers, dutch-doors, or locks as a last resort - which he also proposes strict guidelines to abide by if you feel like a lock would be necessary.
We talked about the "Super Nanny" Method which we believe is more effective for creating self-discipline in the child. The method is to gently and without talking, take them back, take them back, take them back, 10/100/1000 times, etc until they get it - and most kids will eventually get it. Start the time-out only once they have learned to stay put.
*On the DVD, Dr. Phelan also has several suggestions for a number of difficult, specific time-out related scenarios such as kids that will wreck-rooms, puke pee or poo, etc. Please see the DVD for this type of specific information.*
TESTING & MANIPULATION:
Dr. Phelan informs parents that 50% of kids will be what he calls, "instant cooperators" which means once they have learned the program they will fall into line without any problems.
The other 50% of kids will be what Dr. Phelan calls "instant testers," who will push and test the new limits, often resulting in their behaviour getting worse before it will get better. Kids who are instant testers will typically use one of these six methods of testing and manipulation, or a combination:
1) Badgering
2) Temper
3) Threat
4) Martyrdom
5) Butter-Up
6) Physically acting out
*Examples of all of these are shown on the DVD*
Dr. Phelan explains that if your child has a favourite amongst the above methods that is bad - because it means it is working for them! He tells parents that they must not give in to their children's attempts to test and manipulate them. Instead, he suggests "counting" all testing and manipulation, except for buttering-up.
THE 2 BIGGEST MISTAKES MADE BY PARENTS:
Dr. Phelan suggests 2 reasons why the 1-2-3 Magic program may be ineffective: parents get too emotional, or talk too much when trying to use it. To rectify this he sets out two absolute rules for parents to follow when using the program:
1) No Talking
2) No Emotion
Dr. Phelan explains that parents must learn to control themselves when using this program in order for it to be successful. Getting too "excited" when using the count, or burying the count in "verbal garbage," or excessive talking will cause the program to fail.
He says that if parents can stick to the program, exactly as it has been laid out - they will find that they have to discipline their children less and less as problems with stop behaviour disappear, and they will have more time to enjoy their children, which is what every parent wants!
GETTING STARTED:
*The information supplied about this program on this site is very basic and incomplete. If you are interested in using this program with your children, please watch the entire length of both DVDs before beginning*
Dr. Phelan suggests beginning the program with a "kick-off" conversation with your kids. In a sit-down meeting, explain to them the basics of counting and what is coming. Don't expect them to "get it" simply from the meeting. Dr. Phelan suggests that most kids will have to experience the counting procedure in action a few times before they understand it fully. He also suggests that for most kids, it will take 1-2 weeks of using the program before seeing results.
"More 1-2-3 Magic: Encouraging Good Behaviour, Independence and Self-Esteem"
To begin, Dr. Phelan suggests that good parents exhibit 3 qualities. They are:
1) Warm
2) Demanding (have expectations for their children)
3) Encourage independence
PART 1: "6 Tactics for Encouraging Good Behaviour:"
1) Positive Reinforcement / Praise
Praise a child whenever they exhibit good behaviour (especially to begin with, or when they are just starting a specific behaviour that you want to see more of, try to praise it every time you possibly can). Tailor your praise to the child and to the behaviour (some kids need really gushy praise, some need a simple statement). Be specific - instead of making a vague statement like, "good job" try to tell them exactly what it was they did that you're proud of.
Giving a child praise and positive reinforcement for good behaviour is going to make them want to do it again! However, be wary of creating praise-dependent good behaviour. Dr. Phelan suggests that once the good behaviour has become fairly common, move to using variable intermmitent reinforcement - in other words only praise the behaviour once in awhile, and work to gradually reduce that.
One group member suggested as the child grows and matures, working to create their own intrinsic (internal) motivators for them rather than relying on external motivators (ie: praise, rewards). Asking questions that lead the child to think about feelings generated in themselves and others is one way of doing this, along with asking them questions which help them to evaulate their own efforts (ex: "How did you feel when you did this?" "What do you like about what you did?" etc)
2) Simple Requests (ie: Obedience):
This is the only start behaviour which Dr. Phelan suggests you use counting for, and only for tasks that should take the child under 2 minutes to complete as a general rule (ex: "Come to the table for supper"). Only ask one time. If the child doesn't comply, save your breath and start the count.
3) Kitchen Timer:
This is really effective in situations where time available to you is short, and you need to get your child to cooperate with you (ie: trying to get out the door to get somewhere on time).
Purchase a simple kitchen timer (one with a ticking clock and ringer when times up). Instead of nagging, or constantly reminding your child to do what they need to do, set the timer for a designated amount of time (ex: 10 minutes) and explain to them that they need to complete the task before the timer ends. Try to make a game of it, and encourage them to try and"beat the timer." Don't do anymore nagging or reminding - let the constant "tick, tick, tick" of the timer be their motivator.
Can be used for:
- dressing
- eating
- cleaning up
- etc
When the timer is up, if they haven't completed the task - give them a bonus minute and help them in the spirit of the game (especially if they've really been trying to complete the task), or if they haven't been cooperative at all, allow a natural consequence to follow if possible (ie: they didn't eat their lunch before they have to go to school = they go to school hungry, or if they don't get dressed in time for school = send them to school in their pajamas, etc).
I find that this works most effectively if it's not used all the time, but just in those circumstances where you really are in a hurry and need immediate compliance.
4) Docking System:
This works particularly well for older children whom time-outs may no longer be appropriate for.
First you need to find something that is in your control which gives you leverage over your child (ex: allowance money, computer/video game/ TV time, bedtime, etc). If you have to perform a count for an older child and make it to 3 where you need to implement a consequence, instead of trying to drag your older child off to a time-out you're simply going to dock a previously allocated amount away from whatever it is you have chosen as leverage (ex: 50 cents off of allowance, 15 minutes earlier bedtime, 15 minutes less computer time, etc).
You can also work a reward system into this where if you want to reinforce something good that they've done, or motivate them to start doing something, you will add the previously allocated amount to their leverage every time they do it.
In the case of regular chores, Dr, Phelan suggests working out a system where you give the child a designated amount of time to complete the assigned chore (ex: one week to clean your room). Let the child decide when within that week they want to do it; however, if they do not complete the chore within the designated time, you will do it and they will pay you for it (ex: weeks up, you clean the room and then dock $2 from their allowance to "pay" you for having to do their chore for them).
5) Natural Consequences:
These can be powerful teachers, but have limited applications especially for younger children who may not be able to make the connection between action and consequence if the time period is too long, or too abstract.
However, they can be very useful for older children. Examples of natural consequences include:
Refusing to eat = going hungry
Refusing to wear a coat = being cold
Not practicing a musical instrument = not being able to perform well
Refusing to get dressed = going out in pajamas
etc!
6) Charting:
Most of us have probably tried to do this at some point, many of us use it during potty-training. Make a chart appropriate to the understanding of the child (for small children use pictures / older children words and numbers) and record the child's progress in the area you want to see improvment in. For younger children stickers often work well. For older children a number system (ex: a rating of 1-5) might be more appropriate. Display the chart in an area where the child will see it often.
PART 2: "Specific Applications"
Dr. Phelan has several suggestions / examples of application for specific areas of concern for many parents including:
- Getting up and out in the morning
- Homework and Practicing
- Mealtime
- Bedtime
- Staying in Bed
- Nighttime Waking
- Cleaning Rooms
- Picking Up
- Chores
- Telling The Truth
*See DVD for examples and specific information*
PART 3: "Dictatorship to Democracy: The Family Meeting"
Dr. Phelan explains that as kids grow and mature (by about 7-8 years) it is appropriate to gradually involve them in more of the decision making process which effects them. By doing this, kids take ownership in the process of setting rules and consequences, and are often more likely to comply with them.
He suggests that each family member involved in the meeting have an opportunity to express concerns and suggest solutions for appropriate individual and family matters.
PART 4: "Ten Strategies For Building Self-Esteem"
Dr. Phelan talks blunty about the reality of building self-esteem in our children, and what we can and can not do as parents. He suggests that while we as parents have much to contribute to our child's self esteem, alot of it will depend upon factors which are simply out of our control (ex: physical appearance, peer acceptance, acceptance by the opposite sex, life experience, etc)
*See DVD for this information*
